So I saw my bare right foot for the first time today. I was gonna wait until Dr. Mah examined me in a couple days, but I had a minor mishap in the shower. Per doctor's instructions I wrapped my whole foot in a plastic trash bag held on by a nylon belt. The bag was watertight every time but today. As I turned off the water I looked at the bag and discovered that it was full of water. I said my favorite swear word, then went to the store to get more gauze (why would I have gauze in the house? Dumbass.).
I was apprehensive, but the bandage was soaked. I took a deep breath and unwrapped my foot. Not so bad. I mean, it is swollen and not real pretty at the moment. Aside from the missing toe and the sutures, it just looks like a foot.
Now I'm thinking about being barefoot again (once it is completely healed, of course). Of course I need to determine to what degree it is sensitive and vulnerable. I don't mind the aesthetics. My gut instinct is to go shoeless as soon as possible in the TKD studio if possible. As my wife has pointed out, this is a teaching opportunity. Our student body is skewed pretty young, and I think it is important for children to be exposed to people who don't look just like them. I am not my missing toe, I'm still "Master Jim".
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Feet, what a lovely invention
I really appreciate feet (not in any kind of fetish way, you sickos). They are a marvel of engineering. Next time you are barefoot, take a moment and consider your feet. Rotate your toes in a circle. Flex and extend your foot. Move them every way you can think to move them. Remarkable.
As a taekwondo practitioner since 1996 I've been training barefoot for a long time. Some TKD players do wear thin-soled shoes at least some of the time. I would sometimes wear them when I was teaching class all day (mostly to keep them clean) or if I had, say, cuts or bruises. All things being equal I'd prefer to do my martial arts training totally barefoot.
A couple years ago I started wearing Vibram Five Fingers (aka "toe shoes") for my gym workouts. I'm a big advocate of integrated cross-training: doing somewhat unorthodox movements such as climbing around on monkey bars, bear crawls up and down stairs, balance beam work, etc in addition to more conventional cardio and strength training. VFFs excellently lend themselves to my purposes. Being able to articulate my toes is great for balance and stability.
I didn't start wearing Five Fingers for running until this spring; I'd tried a couple neighborhood runs (ZZZZZ) and banged up my feet more than I like. VFFs were a no-brainer once I pretty much abandoned running on pavement and started training in Portland's wonderful Forest Park. They provide at least as much traction as conventional shoes, with the added benefit of feeling more sure-footed in mud (we're in Oregon, so traction in mud is a year-round issue). In the summertime I can take a refreshing wade through a cool stream, and the shoes are dry five minutes later. Try that with your $120 mega-engineered running shoes. Oh, and they're machine washable. My take? I totally love them for the gym and for trail running, but I didn't care for them for tons of pavement running or very eroded rocky terrain (they're just fine on loose gravel, though). I did just wear them for an urban 8K that was 2/3 pavement plus a crap-ton of concrete stairs, and they performed admirably.
You get the idea. I'm pretty in touch with my feet, and I like to rely on as little protection as I can. I like feeling connected to the earth. That being said, I was never one of those kids who was barefoot all the time. I respect and understand the total-barefoot running community, but I'd rather not risk cutting up my feet, so VFFs for me.
You can see how losing a toe has the potential to really get into my head. There are a lot of unanswered questions. What is my foot gonna look like? How will it feel to run? Will I still be able to wear my VFFs, or do I need to switch to more conventional shoes? Will the amputation site be so sensitive that my right foot will be useless for demonstrating taekwondo techniques? Will my students be grossed out by my disfigured foot? (My knee-jerk answer is "get over it".) How the hell am I gonna do push-ups without both big toes as an anchor point? (I do several push-up variations, including dive-bombers, SEAL push-ups, etc, so I can't just cross my ankles.) Make no mistake: as long as it's physically possible I'm gonna run again. For me, running on a trail isn't about speed, it's moving meditation. Even the worst trail session is a joyful exercise in living in the moment. I won't give that up without a fight. First things first: make sure my wound is healed.
As a taekwondo practitioner since 1996 I've been training barefoot for a long time. Some TKD players do wear thin-soled shoes at least some of the time. I would sometimes wear them when I was teaching class all day (mostly to keep them clean) or if I had, say, cuts or bruises. All things being equal I'd prefer to do my martial arts training totally barefoot.
A couple years ago I started wearing Vibram Five Fingers (aka "toe shoes") for my gym workouts. I'm a big advocate of integrated cross-training: doing somewhat unorthodox movements such as climbing around on monkey bars, bear crawls up and down stairs, balance beam work, etc in addition to more conventional cardio and strength training. VFFs excellently lend themselves to my purposes. Being able to articulate my toes is great for balance and stability.
I didn't start wearing Five Fingers for running until this spring; I'd tried a couple neighborhood runs (ZZZZZ) and banged up my feet more than I like. VFFs were a no-brainer once I pretty much abandoned running on pavement and started training in Portland's wonderful Forest Park. They provide at least as much traction as conventional shoes, with the added benefit of feeling more sure-footed in mud (we're in Oregon, so traction in mud is a year-round issue). In the summertime I can take a refreshing wade through a cool stream, and the shoes are dry five minutes later. Try that with your $120 mega-engineered running shoes. Oh, and they're machine washable. My take? I totally love them for the gym and for trail running, but I didn't care for them for tons of pavement running or very eroded rocky terrain (they're just fine on loose gravel, though). I did just wear them for an urban 8K that was 2/3 pavement plus a crap-ton of concrete stairs, and they performed admirably.
You get the idea. I'm pretty in touch with my feet, and I like to rely on as little protection as I can. I like feeling connected to the earth. That being said, I was never one of those kids who was barefoot all the time. I respect and understand the total-barefoot running community, but I'd rather not risk cutting up my feet, so VFFs for me.
You can see how losing a toe has the potential to really get into my head. There are a lot of unanswered questions. What is my foot gonna look like? How will it feel to run? Will I still be able to wear my VFFs, or do I need to switch to more conventional shoes? Will the amputation site be so sensitive that my right foot will be useless for demonstrating taekwondo techniques? Will my students be grossed out by my disfigured foot? (My knee-jerk answer is "get over it".) How the hell am I gonna do push-ups without both big toes as an anchor point? (I do several push-up variations, including dive-bombers, SEAL push-ups, etc, so I can't just cross my ankles.) Make no mistake: as long as it's physically possible I'm gonna run again. For me, running on a trail isn't about speed, it's moving meditation. Even the worst trail session is a joyful exercise in living in the moment. I won't give that up without a fight. First things first: make sure my wound is healed.
The Shoe
I don't think I'll post the bloody toe pictures, though. Personally I don't like my steak THAT rare, if ya know what I mean.
Friday, August 3, 2012
How I Got Here
"F**K!"
That was the first word out of my mouth. I was mowing the lawn in my side yard when it happened. The side yard lawn is in poor condition, filled with dandelions, bare patches, and the stump of a large blue spruce tree that had been removed a couple years ago. As I tried to clean up the area around the stump I pulled the mower backwards (insert Darwin joke here) and lost my footing. The blade struck my right foot before I released the kill switch.
It didn't hurt immediately; the initial impact had no "sharp" sensation. The seriousness of the injury didn't occur to me until I took off my shoe. My big toe was shredded. Still no pain, so I hobbled into the house so my wife could drive me to the nearest urgent care clinic. We didn't go straight to the emergency room because (a) it wasn't bleeding very much, and (b) I was still thinking that some stitches would fix it. Still not much pain. The attending physician at urgent care took one look at my toe and sent us to the emergency room.
The serious pain started on the drive to the emergency room. My injury was serious enough that they fast-tracked me into an examination room. It was there that the doctor pointed out to me that I had an open fracture. That's BONE? I thought it was my toenail! There are things that a person should never see; your own bones are on that list. Now the pain was really starting to hit, so they gave me a local anesthetic. You know you're screwed when a doctor tells you "This is gonna hurt". Those lidocaine shots were the single most painful part of the treatment. The tetanus shot they gave me was a piece of cake compared to the local. After the on-call orthopedist saw my X-rays my mangled toe was wrapped in gauze and I was admitted as a surgical patient.
The next morning I was examined by a podiatrist. He explained the grim truth: my toe was so badly damaged that attempting to repair the injury would be tricky, recovery would take months, and there was a good chance that the repair would fail anyway. The other option was to simply amputate the toe. Dr. Mah explained that such a surgery would heal completely in about three weeks.
For me, amputation was the logical choice. I don't know if I have the emotional resources (not to mention financial) to deal with a months-long rehab, and the amputation would be relatively inconspicuous. I would simply start wearing shoes at my job as a taekwondo master instructor. Martial arts shoes are the original minimalist footwear, with very thin soles and not much traction. What about kicking? Short answer: I don't know. After my foot heals I'll find out. My sparring days are pretty much over anyway. I am confident that I'm intact enough to demonstrate techniques to the students.
I want to talk a little about morphine. I spent two days in a morphine-induced haze, and there wasn't anything even remotely pleasant about it. I was still in a lot of pain, counting the minutes between doses. Morphine also screws up your plumbing. Constipation wasn't an issue, since I didn't eat anything after Sunday night. Not being able to pee? I'm type 2 diabetic, so you do the math. Second most painful part of my treatment: getting a urinary catheter.
By the night of the surgery the pain was getting worse. I was grateful when the anesthesiologist
handed me the mask so I could really sleep. I awoke in the recovery room a couple hours later with a large wrap around my right foot and much less pain. Surgery came off without a hitch. The first few moments of my new normal. Dr. Mah later informed me that even if I had chosen to "stand and fight" that the toe was too damaged to save.
Today is four days since the amputation. The pain has been minimal. What has surprised me is how small the emotional impact has been (so far). Last night I finally worked up the nerve to look at the injury photos the ER nurse insisted on taking with my smartphone. Just as gruesome as I remembered, yet the picture seemed to be someone else's foot. I'm healing now, and THAT injury couldn't possibly heal. Of course, my foot has been under wraps since the surgery, so I haven't been able to see it. That could very well set off some sort of emotional reaction, but I guess I'll find out.
I am blessed with the knowledge that IT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE. A couple inches the other direction and I could have lost half my foot, or even bled to death. Even if I had been injured worse it still pales in comparison to what so many soldiers around the world go through. I just had some bad luck, that's all. I get to enjoy the rest of my life (almost) intact.
In four days I see Dr. Mah (my podiatrist) again. I'm anxious to hear what he has to say. I want to see what my foot looks like now. I want to figure out what kind of footwear is gonna work best (my guess: probably off-the-rack running shoes). I am already chomping at the bit to get back to my new passion: trail running. I'm missing a race on Sunday, and I'm pissed. I'm even more annoyed that I'm losing at least a month's worth of running. August, no less. The monsoon season in Oregon starts in about eight weeks. But hey, I'm gonna run again, and soon! I have a feeling I'm gonna appreciate the rain and cold like never before.
That was the first word out of my mouth. I was mowing the lawn in my side yard when it happened. The side yard lawn is in poor condition, filled with dandelions, bare patches, and the stump of a large blue spruce tree that had been removed a couple years ago. As I tried to clean up the area around the stump I pulled the mower backwards (insert Darwin joke here) and lost my footing. The blade struck my right foot before I released the kill switch.
It didn't hurt immediately; the initial impact had no "sharp" sensation. The seriousness of the injury didn't occur to me until I took off my shoe. My big toe was shredded. Still no pain, so I hobbled into the house so my wife could drive me to the nearest urgent care clinic. We didn't go straight to the emergency room because (a) it wasn't bleeding very much, and (b) I was still thinking that some stitches would fix it. Still not much pain. The attending physician at urgent care took one look at my toe and sent us to the emergency room.
The serious pain started on the drive to the emergency room. My injury was serious enough that they fast-tracked me into an examination room. It was there that the doctor pointed out to me that I had an open fracture. That's BONE? I thought it was my toenail! There are things that a person should never see; your own bones are on that list. Now the pain was really starting to hit, so they gave me a local anesthetic. You know you're screwed when a doctor tells you "This is gonna hurt". Those lidocaine shots were the single most painful part of the treatment. The tetanus shot they gave me was a piece of cake compared to the local. After the on-call orthopedist saw my X-rays my mangled toe was wrapped in gauze and I was admitted as a surgical patient.
The next morning I was examined by a podiatrist. He explained the grim truth: my toe was so badly damaged that attempting to repair the injury would be tricky, recovery would take months, and there was a good chance that the repair would fail anyway. The other option was to simply amputate the toe. Dr. Mah explained that such a surgery would heal completely in about three weeks.
For me, amputation was the logical choice. I don't know if I have the emotional resources (not to mention financial) to deal with a months-long rehab, and the amputation would be relatively inconspicuous. I would simply start wearing shoes at my job as a taekwondo master instructor. Martial arts shoes are the original minimalist footwear, with very thin soles and not much traction. What about kicking? Short answer: I don't know. After my foot heals I'll find out. My sparring days are pretty much over anyway. I am confident that I'm intact enough to demonstrate techniques to the students.
I want to talk a little about morphine. I spent two days in a morphine-induced haze, and there wasn't anything even remotely pleasant about it. I was still in a lot of pain, counting the minutes between doses. Morphine also screws up your plumbing. Constipation wasn't an issue, since I didn't eat anything after Sunday night. Not being able to pee? I'm type 2 diabetic, so you do the math. Second most painful part of my treatment: getting a urinary catheter.
By the night of the surgery the pain was getting worse. I was grateful when the anesthesiologist
handed me the mask so I could really sleep. I awoke in the recovery room a couple hours later with a large wrap around my right foot and much less pain. Surgery came off without a hitch. The first few moments of my new normal. Dr. Mah later informed me that even if I had chosen to "stand and fight" that the toe was too damaged to save.
Today is four days since the amputation. The pain has been minimal. What has surprised me is how small the emotional impact has been (so far). Last night I finally worked up the nerve to look at the injury photos the ER nurse insisted on taking with my smartphone. Just as gruesome as I remembered, yet the picture seemed to be someone else's foot. I'm healing now, and THAT injury couldn't possibly heal. Of course, my foot has been under wraps since the surgery, so I haven't been able to see it. That could very well set off some sort of emotional reaction, but I guess I'll find out.
I am blessed with the knowledge that IT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH WORSE. A couple inches the other direction and I could have lost half my foot, or even bled to death. Even if I had been injured worse it still pales in comparison to what so many soldiers around the world go through. I just had some bad luck, that's all. I get to enjoy the rest of my life (almost) intact.
In four days I see Dr. Mah (my podiatrist) again. I'm anxious to hear what he has to say. I want to see what my foot looks like now. I want to figure out what kind of footwear is gonna work best (my guess: probably off-the-rack running shoes). I am already chomping at the bit to get back to my new passion: trail running. I'm missing a race on Sunday, and I'm pissed. I'm even more annoyed that I'm losing at least a month's worth of running. August, no less. The monsoon season in Oregon starts in about eight weeks. But hey, I'm gonna run again, and soon! I have a feeling I'm gonna appreciate the rain and cold like never before.
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